April 30, 2006

Where did the baby go?

When I was little, I read the book Where'd the Baby Go at least 100 times. I've been an avid reader from the start. I devour books and reread them until the pages are practically falling out. Lately I haven't taken the time to read much other than what Literature selections I'm preparing for school, but tonight I starting to think about that book and about how different my life is now because of diabetes.

I guess in a way I'm still adjusting to being a diabetic. Somedays it smacks me in the forehead and I just want to wail about the shitty hand I've been dealt, and then other days I forget I ever had a day where I didn't check my blood sugar, give myself insulin, worry over what I ate, worry about when I'd get to exercise, etc. Today I was in the midst of a personal life drama *cue the tears and raised voices* with my fiance and I found myself wondering how non-diabetic Laura would have handled the situation. Would my emotions have been better controlled? Would I be this emotional? Would I feel so completely shattered at every single criticism? I don't know... because I don't remember what it was like NOT to be diabetic... and I've only been diabetic 4.5 years...

The book Where'd the baby go is about a little girl who looks at pictures of herself as a baby and doesn't understand that she was once that small. The young girl looks through albums and then looks around her house to find this "baby" that is in all the pictures she sees. In the end, she looks in the mirror and realizes that she was once that baby - she makes the connection. The last page of the book shows her sitting in front of a mirror, smiling at her reflection. Sometimes I feel like "Where'd Laura go?" because I look at pictures of myself from my teenage years and early college years, and I feel like the person I'm looking at is so .... foreign. I look at my smile, at my body, at my countenance, and I don't feel like I could ever be that person again. I feel like she's gone for good, some days. I catch glimpses of her from time to time, when life quiets down enough for me to remember and to truly believe that she's still here, that she never really went away. I'd like to think that I'm just maturing and becoming an adult, but most days it doesn't feel that way at all. I feel like a part of me is gone and that I'll never get it back, and it scares me.

I guess, in a way, I've never truly accepted that I'm diabetic. Sure, I deal with the reality of it every damn day, but deep inside, I think a part of me is still mourning for that girl I see in the pictures, and I wonder where I've gone and I wonder if I'll ever find my way back to "me."

Sorry for this downer of a post, but life is really kicking me in the ass today.


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