The Appointment

Well, gang, it could have been worse.

He didn't berate me or criticize my A1C. He didn't tell me I was testing too often. He gave me a few suggestions on how I might improve my evening blood sugars, and reviewed my logs. I believe I actually had his full attention the entire time - no interruptions!

He did grab his belly and chuckle when I complained that my weight was up and that I seem to be grazing every evening. We talked a bit about the effect that stress may be having on my eating habits. As I've said in earlier posts, I see a direct correlation! He said that since I seem to have no problems eating well-porportioned breakfast and lunch, my problem with dinner may be that it's the end of my "work day" so to speak, and my stress level is finally waning. However, the built up tension* I've garnered throughout the day is trying to escape, so it's signalling my body to comfort it. Comfort seems to come in the form of food, and only in that form. Therin lies the problem. We talked about meditation and other calming exercises that I could try after dinner to * hopefully* weaken my impulse to graze all evening on anything not nailed down. Part of my problem is that I bring work home every evening. I'm an English teacher - it'd almost feel wrong if I didn't have a stack of essays to grade or a novel to re-read every night. However, I do not want to become the proverbial teacher who teaches class from her desk because she's too large to stand all day!!! Yes, I'm exaggerating, I know, but better to nix this problem early on than to have it following me around (grr - especially in the area of my butt and thighs) the rest of my life.

I appreciate the supportive comments! I also called the office of the endo I hope to be seeing in the future, and they finally received my medical info from Dr. C's office. However, I probably won't be able to be seen until December or January. Oiy. Lucky for me, Dr. C offered to continue seeing me until the new endo could fit me in. Is it just me, or is it terribly ironic that NOW he decides to be helpful?

*I shared this convo with my fiance last night, who replied with "Hon, what do you have to be stressed about?" - which I thought he was implying that as a teacher, why should I be stressed about anything? I was on that one like white on rice, folks; the poor guy didn't stand a chance. I replied, "Well, probably nothing; I probably have nothing I should ever be stressed out about" in a tone that dripped with sarcasm. He backpeddled a bit and we finally reconciled that I do have things to stress about, but he is more the "why worry about it" type, while I am the "oh shit, my worldisfallingapartI'msobusyThisisnevergoingtoend" type. Yes, we're quite a pair.

If you're still reading, I thank you. I'll try to give you the cliff notes version of my rants next time around :)

A pre-appointment rant

I usually rant about my endo appts AFTER I have them. I thought I'd rant beforehand this time. I already have a feeling that it's going to be a same old crap with my endo.

I'll arrive.
I'll wait in the waiting area for a few minutes.
My name will be called and I'll go back the little hallway to step on my enemy - the ruiner of most appointments - the scale.
The nurse will take me to my room, and I'll wait there for about 30 minutes.

Dr. C FINALLY arrives and spends the first five minutes mumbling to himself as he looks over my charts.

"Laura? (Yes - it should be on my chart). "Okay.... so... last time your A1C was 7.4... this time it is ______ "(I didn't call to find out yet - I figured bad news can wait)... "Hmm... my pump patients usually get their's to below 6.5" (in a disappointed tone - as if I don't feel bad enough about my A1C...)

"You're using a pump, correct?" (Nope, I'm just wearing it because I love to accessorize.)

"You're still using Humalog?" (You filled out the script - you tell me!)

Then he'll look at my Excel spreadsheets...

"My, my; someone likes Excel!" (I do, thank you; in fact, you'd better appreciate those charts. I spent 4 hours last night playing "catch up" on my logging)

He'll pause - look through the charts and - without a doubt - zero in on my WORST DAY - one with lows of 50 and/or highs above 300

"Wow, what a mess this day was. Were you being bad???" (He gives me the "hairy eyeball" and then laughs and grabs his pot-bellyish stomach) "I can't really criticize though, can I - ha ha ha ho ho ho" (he amuses himself while I stare at him with a blank expression)

The appointment continues in such a manner. His nurse assistant interrupts approximately 3.5 times throughout my entire appointment. He writes in my file a list of things I should work on, but never gives ME the list, and then mumbles a few words about basal testing and the "graham cracker test" as he backs out the door and disappears down the hall. His nurse hands me an appointment card for my next appointment, and I leave.

I leave the appointment without much hope that things will get better...
... without a sense of what exactly I'm doing wrong...
... or how I can get my morning blood sugars nearer to my goal..
... or why I can't seem to lose weight...
... or why I'm hungry every evening...
... or how I could better use the features of my pump

I leave the appointment and wonder why I wasted his time and my time.

I'd be better off on my own.

Despite knowing full well how this appointment will go, I'll go in with a tinge of optimism that maybe - just maybe - it will be different this time. Maybe he'll have constructive advice; perhaps even a helpful suggestion on how I should change my basal rates, or correction factors, or carb/insulin ratios.

I'll go because no other doctor in a 50 mile radius seems to be accepting new patients.

I'll go because he signs for my prescriptions.

I'll go, but I know how it's all going to play out.

Happiness agrees with me

After having periods of stress wreak havoc on my blood sugar, it became obvious that stress=crazy/high blood sugars. Now that things have calmed down, it's nice to reflect on how good my blood sugars can be when I'm not stressed.

Alas: Happiness agrees with me.
-- My blood sugars are more predictable. If my post meal bs is 150, it does not skyrocket to 250+ for no reason, nor does it plummet to the depths of 50 and below, seemingly just to piss me off.

-- If I do go high after a meal, I can correct it and it comes down beautifully. It doesn't stay high and cause WTF moments for the rest of the day.

-- I use less insulin - my TDD goes down on happy days. I have proof. And additional insulin.

-- I swear less. I try to avoid dropping bombs on here, but in the "real world," especially during stress, I find the F word ( as well as the S word, the D word and a few others that I"ll not mention) sprinkled in various conversations both in and outside of my head. Definitely not for the faint of heart.

-- I don't feel like eating everything not nailed down. I've also put away my duct tape.

-- I can think clearly - no foggy brain from high blood sugars or stress induced headaches.

-- I find myself smiling, for no reason whatsoever. May sound weird - but this is the normal side of me. I haven't found myself smiling for no reason in a looooooong time.

-- I can deal with copious amounts of work. I make lists. I make piles. I sit and grade papers for more than 2 minutes without nervously getting up to do something else (like getting up to find food or something to munch on.)

So, dear reader, may your highs today be emotional highs. It does a body good.

It's just cruel

This morning's numbers:

5:30 AM BS 128, bolus .3 for shower

6:30 BS 150 - bolus for breakfast with correction. Eat 32 (carefully measured) carbs

8:00 - 2 cups of hot tea with 2 packets of Splenda

9:30 BS 271!!!


You've GOT to be KIDDING me...

I finally have a good waking blood sugar... then I get smacked with a WTF post parandial....

The possible causes?
- upcoming period (sorry male readers...)
- caffiene from tea???
- stress? (it's actually been a pretty relaxed morning...)
- beginning signs of a cold?? (my dad has been pretty sick lately)

I don't know.

I wanna just say F*** it!!!

I wanna eat that bag of chips handed out by the PTA to all teachers.

I wanna skip exercise tonight and instead sit on my couch with a cold beer and a jar of peanuts.


But I know I shouldn't. So I wrote everything down - took explicit notes - in hopes that in the near future I'll be seeing a new endo who will actually look at my numbers, will actually offer constructive advice, and won't grab his large belly and laugh about how he, too, can't seem to leave food alone. But that's another story.

I'm high. I'm pissed. And now that the bell rang, I have to teach a lesson on one of the most poigniant poems I've ever read. Here is it:

"The Journey "

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save.

~ Mary Oliver ~

Located at: http://www.panhala.net/Archive/The_Journey.html

AM Highs

Oh, how I hate waking up high... Past three mornings?

331
278
300

The reason?

331 - binging before bed + stress
278 - grazing all evening + stress
300 - ate a well balanced dinner, but got an upset stomach around 9PM, ate a few crackers and bolusing (what I thought was) appropriately. Upset stomach was probably due to stress from day before....

There's a direct and obvious correlation between how much I eat and how stressed I am. The more stress, the more I eat. The more relaxed/peaceful/calm, the less I eat. Food has become my drug of choice, I guess. However, it not only wreaks havoc on my weight, but it also is hazardous to my blood sugars. You'd think those reprecussions would be enough to prompt me to not eat, but unfortunately it doesn't seem to hinder me in the least.

So, it seems that until I get a handle on the stress in my life, my weight and my blood sugar will continue to suffer.

Joy.