Where did the baby go?

When I was little, I read the book Where'd the Baby Go at least 100 times. I've been an avid reader from the start. I devour books and reread them until the pages are practically falling out. Lately I haven't taken the time to read much other than what Literature selections I'm preparing for school, but tonight I starting to think about that book and about how different my life is now because of diabetes.

I guess in a way I'm still adjusting to being a diabetic. Somedays it smacks me in the forehead and I just want to wail about the shitty hand I've been dealt, and then other days I forget I ever had a day where I didn't check my blood sugar, give myself insulin, worry over what I ate, worry about when I'd get to exercise, etc. Today I was in the midst of a personal life drama *cue the tears and raised voices* with my fiance and I found myself wondering how non-diabetic Laura would have handled the situation. Would my emotions have been better controlled? Would I be this emotional? Would I feel so completely shattered at every single criticism? I don't know... because I don't remember what it was like NOT to be diabetic... and I've only been diabetic 4.5 years...

The book Where'd the baby go is about a little girl who looks at pictures of herself as a baby and doesn't understand that she was once that small. The young girl looks through albums and then looks around her house to find this "baby" that is in all the pictures she sees. In the end, she looks in the mirror and realizes that she was once that baby - she makes the connection. The last page of the book shows her sitting in front of a mirror, smiling at her reflection. Sometimes I feel like "Where'd Laura go?" because I look at pictures of myself from my teenage years and early college years, and I feel like the person I'm looking at is so .... foreign. I look at my smile, at my body, at my countenance, and I don't feel like I could ever be that person again. I feel like she's gone for good, some days. I catch glimpses of her from time to time, when life quiets down enough for me to remember and to truly believe that she's still here, that she never really went away. I'd like to think that I'm just maturing and becoming an adult, but most days it doesn't feel that way at all. I feel like a part of me is gone and that I'll never get it back, and it scares me.

I guess, in a way, I've never truly accepted that I'm diabetic. Sure, I deal with the reality of it every damn day, but deep inside, I think a part of me is still mourning for that girl I see in the pictures, and I wonder where I've gone and I wonder if I'll ever find my way back to "me."

Sorry for this downer of a post, but life is really kicking me in the ass today.

So there IS another diabetic within a 50 mile radius....

A couple of days ago my fiance was completing an application for a manager position at a company in my town. He was asking about insurance coverage and prescriptions plans, explaining that his fiance (me :) ) was diabetic and that I might need to be on his insurance if we move and I can't find a full time teaching position right away. Well, the human resources lady introduced him to an employee who is Type 1 and who uses a pump!!! YAY!!!

The employee, Kelly, was very nice and informative, and she wants to meet up with me and go to MiniMed meetings with me! Double Yay!!! We've already emailed each other back and forth a few times, and we're planning to get together in the upcoming weeks at a Mini Med Pump Club meeting. She's around my age and she was diagnosed 13 years ago, so she definitely has more experience behind her belt than I do.

I think I've said this before, but ever since I was diagnosed, I've felt like I was the only diabetic within a 50 mile radius of my home town. There are a lot of Type 2's around, but I really didn't know of many Type 1's in my area. I'm very excited to meet Kelly and to talk to another diabetic face to face. It's not that I don't get a lot from the blogs and the message boards, I truly gain so much knowledge and encouragement from both, but I'm really, really looking forward to talking in person about the issues that I read and write about all the time.

Anyway, that's my "High" for the day :) Happy Friday!

At a snail's pace... And other random stuff

Blog Updating
I'm SLOWLY revamping my blog.... haha I can't believe it took me this long to finally add a list of links to my blog. I was so envious of others who had that because it made it so easy to surf around the blogs. Mine may not be completely user friendly yet, but I'll work on that. I need to look into how I can show when a blog has been updated, too.

Random Stuff
I hate it when I feel like I might be low, then I check to see and find that I'm not low... soo confusing. Of course, I'm happy I"m not low right now, but having the sensation of a low when you're not low is just bizarre. I rechecked twice just to make sure. Definitely not low.

In pumping news, I'm scheduled to meet with the MiniMed and the Animas Reps during the next two weeks. Decision time is fast approaching!!! Yikes!!! I really like the prospect of the CGMS that comes with the Minimed being covered by insurance in the not too distant future, but I've also learned that Animas is joined with Johnson and Johnson (One Touch Ultra people), and I like my OTU meter, so I'm pretty torn!!! I've teetered between the two for the past three months, but I guess the decision will be easier to make (hopefully) once I've tried both meters on and played around with the options on each. I've polled for advice on this before, I think, but I'm going to ask again.... WHICH FREAKING PUMP?????!!!!! Throw a girl a bone! Toss me a line! HELP HELP HELP!!!! ;) Not that I'm desperate or anything...

Maybe this will help....

For those of you that may be feeling frustrated today, I thought publishing my blood sugars for the past day or so may help...

Sunday, 11:30 PM BS - 233 Insulin - 1 unit carbs - 2g
Monday, 6:30 AM BS - 304 Insulin - 6 units carbs - 33g
9:45 AM BS - 267 Insulin - 3 units carbs - 0
11:45 AM BS - 194 Insulin - 4 units carbs - 33

Anyone else having one hell of a day??? Misery loves company, or so I've heard....!!!

Now I must resist the urge to be all "WTF!!!" and eat everything peanut buttery that I can get in contact with....

I must be good..
I must be good...
I must be good....

Grr...

A much needed update!

I think I'm finally on track to get a pump! I've met with Dr. C twice this month, and he explained more clearly his reason for hesitating on approving the pump. My numbers are crazy - plain and simple - and he wanted to see if it was because I wasn't carb counting carefully or if my blood sugar was just that difficult to manage. Turns out I've been undercounting my carbs at numerous times during the day, which makes a BIG difference in my control! I bought a gram scale to replace the scale I had been using on rare occasions. The older scale I had to eyeball and guess, and as I've learned, I suck at guessing. *Sigh*It definitely takes a lot of discipline to have good control. My numbers are best on the days that I write down every morsel I put in my mouth and also write down its weight, the amount, the carbs, while also noting if it is high fat or if I'm stressed or if I have a headache.... oiy.... Writing everything down DOES help, but it definitely is a struggle some days. After teaching all day, the last thing I want to do is itemize everything I"ve eaten all day. I have a HP Handheld PC, but I haven't taken the time to set it up so that I can just record everything on there.

Time is definitely a big factor in my control. So many things that I used to do (when I was disciplined and had much better control) I don't take the time to do now. Life just seems to get in the way and any time I might devote to diabetes is replaced with something else, something seemingly more important, or more fun. However, regardless of the time it'll take, I need to get back on track and start to focus more on managing my diabetes. Easier said than done, though.


On another note, the stress in my personal life seems to have settled down a little bit for the time being. I had a mini breakdown last Wednesday and felt like my world was falling apart! I'll spare you the epic and share the cliff notes version - my fiance and I are completely at odds over which church we will get married in and which religion our hypothetical children will be. I was raised Protestant and I've spent so much of my life at my church - some of my happiest times, in fact - involved in activities with my church. It's a warm and welcoming atmosphere and the people there are like family to me. I feel my children should get to experience the same thing, and I think it would be a wonderful thing for them. Also, I have always dreamed of getting married in my church. My mom is adamant about me getting married in my church and won't hear of me getting married anywhere else. My fiance was raised Catholic and claims he HAS to have his children raised Catholic and we HAVE to get married in his church. He attends church weekly but that's about where his involvement ends. I think that's my main objection - he attends, but he's not involved; I attend and I'm very involved... Ugh... I know I'm being close minded about this, but he is too, so we're definitely having a difficult time right now. I thought the engagement period was supposed to be a happy, exciting time, but so far it's just been heartwrenching and frustrating. I think this is more the reality, though... I think a lot of people like to think that the engagement is a happy carefree time, but in reality it's a big freaking tornado of issues, emotions, and dilemmas. I'm going to be soooo ready to shake my booty by the time the wedding finally gets here!!! Ugh...

If you're still reading, please pat yourself on the back!!! I haven't written in a while and really felt the need to write this morning, so you, my friend, are the unfortunate reader of a couple weeks worth of pent up thoughts. I'll try to be more coherent as the week goes on ;) I can't promise anything, though. :)

I Meme - Because it's easier to write this than to write an entry about all the *&^$ I've been through in the past two weeks....

I AM: scared about my future: as a diabetic, as a teacher, as a future wife, mother, etc...

I WANT: peanut butter ice cream that has no effect on blood sugars or weight AND a cure for diabetes

I WISH: that I could speak my mind without the constant fear that I might upset someone or that someone might not be happy with me.

I HATE: when people ask me if I can take a pill for my diabetes. No - I take shots and if you had to do it to stay alive and healthy, you could and would. Grr..

I MISS: my grandfather and my carefree childhood

I FEAR: becoming depressed again, losing someone I love, and failing... at anything...

I HEAR: the air conditioner spewing out tepid air

I WONDER: how much diabetes effects my moods, emotions, and feelings

I REGRET: not realizing how important it is to stand up for myself until yesterday.

I AM NOT: loud but I surround myself with loud people - go figure!

I DANCE: wretchedly! Even after a few rum and diet cokes, it's a sorry sight.

I SING: when I'm happy

I CRY: when I'm hurt, sad, frustrated, happy, confused....

I AM NOT ALWAYS: as caring as people think I am. I feel downright selfish most days.

I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: Dinner for my fiance and my family

I WRITE: lesson plans, worksheets, poetry, emails

I CONFUSE: being kind with being honest

I NEED: to be more proactive in all areas of my life

I SHOULD: eat a light, easy to count dinner tonight due to my crazy blood sugars (post stress high Blood sugars)

I START: daydreaming about what my life will be like as a wife and as a mom

I FINISH: everything on my plate... hence my stubborn pounds that seem to have permanently settled on my hips, thighs, and butt.

I TAG: anyone who wants to play along!

Top 5 Guilty Pleasures

I haven't written a post in what seems like forever, so I thought I'd start back into it easy


Top 5 Guilty Pleasures

5. Chocolate pudding with a large tablespoon of peanut butter. The best of both worlds!
4. Sleeping in until 7AM, and then reading the newspaper while eating breakfast.
3. A long, hot bath - not the best for the skin (dries mine out), but it feels amazing at the end of the day!
2. Working out to good music. If I have the right tunes, I could work out all day! Needless to say, I have not found the "right" tunes yet!!! haha

And for the big one...

1. Reading magazines.... yes, the most mindless activity known to man; but after analyzing works of literature all day (I'm a HS Eng teacher), I'm ready to read something I don't have to interpret, analyze, or evaluate!!!! haha



More to come soon - tales from appts with Dr. C; convoluted carb counting, stress, and more !!!