Night time lows

Last night I woke up at 12:30 feeling odd, so I checked and sure enough - 64. I ate two glucose tabs and stumbled back to bed, figuring that would do the trick. Woke up this morning at 5:30 feeling odd, again, so I checked before my shower and sure enough - 57. Guess the rule of two didn't work last night??? (I usually only need 2 glucose tabs to get my bs back to normal). My only explanation for the extended low is the fact that I did a little more exercise last night than I usually do. I went to Pilates for about 45 minutes then went to the gym to do some light cardio for 45 minutes, so perhaps it was a delayed effect from that. Hard to say... At any rate, I feel that this headache I woke up with is going to remain with me throughout the day... thank God it's Friday, right?

Weighed down

I'm in a constant battle with myself and my body over my weight. I'm at a healthy weight and BMI, but I just know that I'd feel better if I lost about 10-15 pounds.

The problem? I love to eat. I think about eating a lot - we're talking almost every hour of the day. I eat even when I'm not hungry.

I've tried to blame it on stress, my insulin, my blood sugar management... but to be honest I think it all comes down to control. When I was first diagnosed I weighed and measured every bite I ate. I never stuffed myself; always felt satisfied and had tons of energy. Right now I'm at the opposite end of that spectrum. Perhaps my die hard discipline wore me out?? I think I got tired of only eating what was 100% healthy and blood sugar friendly. I think I wanted to feel normal and in my efforts to achieve normalcy, I've also added an inch or two to my hips, thighs, and other unfortunate places. So here's my problem - how do I find that happy medium? I have brief 3-4 day stretches of self control where I return to that disciplined eater but then I get a craving for peanut butter and have a bit more than the suggested 2 tbsp serving... or I feel like having seconds at dinner... or I feel like having snack before bed... The most frustrating part is that I don't eat junk food!!! I eat very healthy, well balanced meals... just not in the right portions, I suppose...

I realize that there isn't really a magic wand that will make my problems go away. I realize that I need to take control over my eating if I ever want to see changes. I realize all this, and yet I'm still sitting here, typing away, feeling sorry for myself.... how pitiful.... !!!! Ugh...

Maybe I should take advice from Lemonade Life's blog...

I WILL take control of my eating...
I WILL take control of my eating...
I WILL take control of my eating...
I WILL take control of my eating...
I WILL take control of my eating...
I WILL take control of my eating...
I WILL take control of my eating...
I WILL take control of my eating...

.... hey, it's worth a shot!!! haha

In limbo... and A weekend away

About a week and a half ago I went to a pump training class - pretty much Pumping 101. I loved it. It was a small class, only 4 other diabetics there with family members, but it was just so nice to be in a room with other diabetics! I guess I tend to feel like I'm the only (type 1) diabetic within a 50 mile radius, regardless of the fact that a woman with type 1 lives a mile away... I got to actually hold a pump, play with the buttons, and talk to other diabetics who either are on the pump or were also interested in going on the pump. I was already gung ho about the pump, but after this class I was gung ho to the nth degree! I felt "pumped" (pardon the horrible excuse for a pun..) and wanted to strap on my pump right then and there. Which leaves me to where I am now... in limbo...

So apparently my insurance has cleared the way for my pump, and now we're just waiting for my doctor to fill out his part of the paperwork. At my last appt (over 2 weeks ago) he said he'd sign the paperwork and said that he thought I'd be really pleased with the control I'd get on the pump. However, the Minimed rep called his office a week ago and a secretary told my pump rep that if they called again, Dr. C would throw the papers away.... I guess pump reps get on the dr's about signing papers?? I don't know - it just deflated my whole mood a bit when my pump rep called and told me that. Now I feel apprehensive to even call the office because it's pretty much in my Dr's hands, and I don't want to aggravate the situation. However, at the same time I'm peeved that my life is in his hands - HE gets to decide when he'll sign the papers... nevermind the fact that I wanted to receive my pump about - oh - 5 minutes after I finally decided that I wanted to pump... Grr... It's frustrating..

~~~~~
I spent part of the weekend with my fiance at his brother and sister in law's place. They're in the process of moving from a small house to a new, slightly larger house and needed help packing and getting the new place in livable shape. It's so strange how quickly I take for granted how conscientious my fiance is of my diet choices. In the morning, his sister in law didn't have much for breakfast food other than cereals (which wreak havoc on my bs - so I avoid them) and some plain white bread. My fiance knows I don't eat either one, so he took me to McDonalds so that I could get something that I could actually eat and enjoy without fear of being skyrocketed to the 2 and 300's. What really touches me is that he doesn't even ask me anymore if I can eat the cereal or the white toast - he just knows. (BTW - got a delicious yogurt parfait and apple slices at McDonalds for the stellar price of $2.00!!! ) For lunch, his sister in law ordered pizza, and rather than chow down with the whole clan of starving movers, my fiance takes me to a restaurant so I can get something healthier. Once again - didn't even ask if I could manage a slice of pizza just once - he just knew that I would prefer eating something else and didn't make a big deal of it. That may not seem like much, but to me it means that I've finally found someone who wants what's best for me and my health.

I've been TAGGED!!!

I've been tagged by Keith!!!

Four jobs I've had in my life:
* Server at an Ice Cream Stand
* Server at Bob Evans
* Corporate Trainer at Comp. Learning Network
* High School English teacher

Four movies I can watch over and over:
* When Harry Met Sally
* Sleepless in Seattle
* Good Will Hunting
* Wedding Crashers (6 times already!)

Four places I have lived:
* Hometown (middle of nowhere) Pennsylvania
* Johnstown, Pennsylvania
* BACK to Hometown in Pennsylvania...
* ...still here... still living at home... God have mercy... ;)

Four TV shows I love to watch:
* Friends (reruns)
* Dateline NBC
* Semi-Homemade w/ Sandra Lee
* Sex and the City (reruns - water down versions on TBS)

Four places I have been on vacation:
* Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
* Panama City, Florida
* College Station, Texas
* Cape Cod, Massachusetts

Four of my favorite foods:
* Peanut butter celery
* Peanut butter toast
* Peanut butter ice cream
* Peanuts
... anyone notice a trend???

Four websites I visit daily:
* www.theweddingchannel.com (Wedding in a a year and a half... ;)
* www.diabetestalkfest.com
* OC and numerous DBloggers
* www.amazon.com (I'm a compuslive book buyer... the UPS guy LOVES me! haha)

Four places I'd rather be right now:
* Ski Lodge - luxury suite - with my fiance
* Caribbean Cruise - with my fiance and some friends
* Myrtle Beach, SC - taking walks on the beach by the moonlight and during the sunrises
* The gym - I'd be burning more calories than I am right now, sitting here, on my butt... haha

I don't really know enough bloggers to tag anyone... so I'll hold off for now!!! :)

Re-learning

Well, my intention to post on Thursday failed, as did my attempt to do so on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, so I've resolved to do so right now during my lunch break!!! haha

The Appt w/ Dr. C....
After carefully scrutinizing my blood sugar logs, Dr. C did some calculations to try to figure out why I am constantly high in the morning, and why my carb/insulin ratio doesn't seem to be working for me at this time of the day. He gave me a lot of "homework" (Side note... as a teacher, I took this to be a lesson in compassion, which I (un?)fortunately remembered the next day as I gave a lighter reading assignment to my kids. ) -Anyway, my homework consists of doing a lot of testing in the morning and a lot of trials with different foods in the morning to determine what my carb/insulin ratio should be in the morning, and to determine if I am really as insulin resistant in the morning as my numbers show. I think Dr. C. thinks I'm not calcuating my carbs correctly, so I'm going to be more mindful about my guesstimating. I guess after 4 years I've gotten lax in many areas - carb counting, obviously - so it's time to reevaluate my guesstimating skills. I think I'm going to invest in a gram scale and hopefully I'll muster the patience to actually use it when I'm preparing a meal for myself.

To be quite honest, the appt. w/ Dr. C went well, but I felt like I had been punched in the stomach when I left. I was ready to blame everything/one else but me for the poor control I"ve been having in the morning and to have Dr. C. question what I"ve been doing for the past four years was a bit hard to swallow (Note to self - lesson number 2 - you are NOT the goddess of guesstimating - get over it!!!). I was definitely too sensitive about the entire situation - I can see that now - and I realize that he made an excellent point.

So far my testing has shown that my insulin sensitivity in the morning is better when I eat a very low-fat breakfast (yogurt, unbuttered toast) than if I eat one with some fat (yogut, toast w/ 1 tbsp pb). I wouldn't think fat would make that much of a difference, especially since it's "healthy" fat, but perhaps my body can't really handle fat in the morning. It certainly wouldn't hurt me to go without pb or butter.... *sigh*...

Dr. C is all for the pump, but he wants me to do more testing in the meantime so that I know exactly what my carb/insulin ratio should be for each meal. I"m also going to do more basal testing to get a better picture of how much insulin I need throughout the day. It's so weird - I used to skip meals all the time (in my other life...) and not think a thing of it; now, when I need to skip meals, I feel like I"m being cruelly denied air - or gum (see January post)!!! How ironic...

I'll try to do better about updating the blog this week. I really appreciate everyone's feedback and I love reading other blogs - there are so many talented writers!! Who knew diabetes could make for such interesting reading???

Mid morning melt down

Just had to share my little melt down with you - thought you'd appreciate it...
I had a little treat on the 3rd period students' desks today when they came in - a comic strip that had one of our vocab words in it (I know... corny...!) and a piece of candy. I had a piece of sugar free gum at the one seat because one of my students is a diabetic. When I walked in the room from hall duty, I noticed that someone had taken his piece of gum and replaced it with a piece of candy. Luckily the student with diabetes wasn't there yet, so it wasn't really a big deal to him, but I was so disgusted with his fellow students!!! I said to the kids "How can you be so rude and inconsiderate?? I had gum there for a reason" - and they all just looked at me with blank faces and a few guilty faces. Ugh... the kids were doing group work, so I could kind of sneak to the back to collect myself, but I was so livid... I know i need to keep this in perspective and look at the situation more objectively, but instead I took it as a personal cut.

The student with diabetes eats whatever he wants, and the kids know this and see this all the time, but I just couldn't give him candy knowing that he's diabetic... I know I would appreciate it if someone remembered that I was diabetic and offered me gum instead... ugh...

I had to step outside because I started to cry and didn't want to make a scene, but I"m sure I did anyway!!!

I realize and accept that everyone manages their diabetes differently... I guess it just really upset me because I thought the kids were being really selfish and cruel... in reality, they probably didn't think a thing of it, but it really, really got to me... it was one of those moments when I loathe diabetes and the monster it makes out of me.....